"i can only look at it with my hands in front of my face"

i guess all i ever wanted was a bunny and a nice bike and complete and brutal honesty. i like how things are right now but there are a lot of things i don't know, and all of them i'd like to.

i'm
in the middle
of

freak out....

there are certain things i can't ask him / certain things he won't talk about.. no matter how important they really are for me to know. i'mdyin
i guess

i wasn't two seconds ago



see you later vagueness

you're a part-time lover and a full-time friend

Life is nice.
Things are nice.
I am nice(er than I have been before? Hopefully?).

If I met a boy who could play geetar like PJ and smell like KT, I would be theirs. But, as is, I'm kinda not anyone's / someone's / no one's / in the dumbest way. And I don't care that he can't play guitar and that he's average-smelling, because I never ever get bored of him and never think he's anything less than great. I dunno, I'm kind of a sad sappy sucker it seems... mostly because I miss him and everyone else at school.

Wa wa waaaa

I used my sewing machine finally and made a shirt out of an icky old lady dress, and I'd have to call it a success if anyone asked.

Oh boy Oberto

All that's happened? Well,...

First semester ended, passing grades, even though I turned in the Art History exam completely blank. My roommate decided to move out and I'm pleased as punch, but hoping I just somehow won't get a new one. Dune and Adam moved into their apartment yesterday, and that should be exciting I guess. There's a wolf shirt store in the mall that put all their goods on clearance, so I'm planning on making some fashions out of wolfshirts... we'll see how that goes.

I'm really missing Milwaukee more than I ever thought I could, but I guess it's the people.

On Tuesday, my dad, Jack and I are leaving for Colorado to snowboard for some days. I have Jack's old board (finally not renting) and a new purple jacketcoat. Should be sweet. Thing is, though, we get back the 13th, and my new classes start the 14th, and I actually have morning classes nowadays. This might suck, but I'll stay optimistic.

Palabra a tu madre.

home again

Whenever I come home for a weekend my room is spotless and I guess I've never thought about it, but my mom must clean it. I wonder if she cleans it after I leave to go back to school, or before I come home. Or do I leave it like this? I really can't remember. I really doubt it. My sheet is on the bed upside down (a.k.a. the side with stripes is the side not facing the ceiling), and when I noticed that I thought, whoever put them on must not have been paying attention. And then, now, 20 minutes later, I realized I was the one who put them on, a month ago. I find it strange that nothing happens in my room for weeks at a time when I'm away. When I open my drawers there's nothing really in them anymore. All or most of my clothes are at school. I realize I can survive without any of this stuff that's in my room here, because I am surviving without it at school. This makes me think that I should get rid of it. But, if I get rid of everything here, that makes this home less mine

it's way too early to call you

"You're my friend from across the ages, so I can say anything to you and you understand. Isn't that weird?"
"That's not weird. It's completely normal."
"You're right. You're normal. I love you."

I woke up at 7:32 to a call from Austin. He's going to work something out so we can hang out next week when he's home. If this were a movie, it wouldn't happen. We'd go on forever almost seeing each other and then, something would keep coming up to get in the way, we'd keep talking on the phone every so often and years and years would go by until we almost forgot about each other, and THEN we'd accidentally meet somewhere and fall madly madly crazily in love... or something. I hope I don't have a movie life though, because I want to see him soon.

My sleep schedule's all messed up. I didn't sleep at all at all Wednesday night. I started falling asleep yesterday while doing my drawing homework, so I gave myself a 30 minute nap (and when I woke up and jumped down from my bunk bed, I may or may not have twisted my ankle). In Art History, I had to write to stay awake, so when I got home from class at 7 I went straight to bed..... and slept for twelve hours. Oof-da

My room-mate's never here anymore. Her boyfriend moved to Milwaukee a month or two ago, so she's there all the time. That's cool, I guess, but I also feel like he should kinda make some friends of his own, his own age, in the city. Otherwise I'm fully okay with it.

Whomp whomp whommmmmp, I still feel tired.

really weirdy

Currently I'm sitting in the third floor lounge with Vinny going drawing crazy. I started out just wanting to finish my Visual Dynamics project tonight, but after that was done the scribbles came a-flyin', and the india ink too. Vinny made a big giant stencil of my face, but that's top secret! He's moved onto his now, and when we're done, we're sprayin 'em up on this here wall.

Oh yeah I haven't slept.

I'm very excited that Thanksgiving is only a week away, it's my most favorite food-based holiday.

/>,?,?,/>/

i'm a dum-dum. you know, a sucker.

am i a walrus?............probably not

Ever since I threw salt over the wrong shoulder (Halloween), I've been having the worst luck. That same day I lost my most precious and valuable pin (a.k.a. Anokijig Knighthood), and since then it's been a streak of bad luck. This includes, but is not limited to: my Mom's car battery dying the day she came up for Parent's Day, the ball of my piercing falling out and refusing to go back in, me falling off of a fire hydrant (what? exactly), losing my ID then getting a new one then losing that one as well, spending five hours in school after my nine-hour day is done just to break and re-glue and break and re-glue and break and re-glue my space forms project, and slicing my finger open with scissors. And that's not even half of it.

But I'm thinking that the streak is over. Now, I still haven't found that pin, and that makes me really sad, but I had a pretty alright day. This morning I did the BBBS thing. Isabel and I colored her art project, then talked about gerbils and cousins and A Wrinkle In Time. I drew her in my little pocket sketchbook and she really really liked it, so I let her keep it. I don't know why this made me so happy, but it did. And then I took a cab back to the dorms, had another lovely conversation with another lovely driver, did my laundry, ate crab rangoon, and went to class.

I be crushin'.... as of.. yesterday, I think? It's been a while- maybe a month- since I've dug a fella. But I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl when this certain feller talks to me, and I talked to him twice today. Giddy giddy me.

This weekend Kyra is coming. I think on Saturday, and then staying til Sunday to see Modest Mouse. I simply cannot wait.

/////////////////



This is a picture I took for my Visual Dynamics project. The assignment is to do a Chuck Close type self portrait, so I think this one'll be fly. Yadig?

we're jumping out of planes... on purpose!

HEY!






I went skydiving.

oh yeah, the laundrymat

I had this weird thought while I was sitting in the laundrymat, thinking about how it was weird to do my laundry there since I've been doing it in Milwaukee for the past few months, and since my house is only blocks away anyway. And I was waiting for my mom to come and get me, but she was taking a long time. In situations like this when I was younger I'd always get worried that my mom decided to just run away. And if she had, and I was maybe 5-9 years old, I wouldn't know what to do, I'd just cry. If she never came back yesterday, I would have just walked home. So, to run away she'd really have to move out without telling me. And, if all this had happened, and I walked home, and it was empty, I'd probably just hop a bus to Milwaukee and sit in my dorm room confused.



Point: Where is home?

boe joblick

can i just say that i'm in love with my drawing teacher? by that i don't mean i want to marry him or anything... i'm just fully in love with the fact that this man is my drawing teacher. i think it's a perfect role.

friday i wasn't feeling too great when i got to class. he asked how i was, i told him, "kinda sick." after our critique we were setting up to draw the model, and my teacher (code name = boe joblick. real name = obvious) came over to tell me that he appreciated that i stuck around. "you know, sometimes some of your best drawings are done when you aren't feeling the greatest. it sorta like how right before people have seizures, they have epiphanies. does that make sense?" if you say so, boe.

my favorite thing he's ever said is this, and it sums him up real nice:
"i like your use of line and hatching right here. it reminds me of when i go fishing, sometimes i like to take my shoes off and wade into the water, and i never really know where i'm stepping. one time i stepped on a fish. does that make sense?"

the "does that make sense?" gets me every time. because he usually doesn't./

///////////////

so i'm home for the night. i left milwaukee probably around 4 pm and i'll be heading back in just about five hours now.

in the short time i've been home, i have:
done my laundry at the laundrymat
macked on some italian house
watched aida (my sister was in it!)
gone to a party
macked on some perkins
stained a billion pieces of wood for space forms (kyra helped)
dyed my hair (dark)
made paper
made a shirt

also, i called ben.. for no reason really. we had hardly really talked since the breaking, but maybe we'll be bros now?



remember him?

queen of rods?

I gave Ally a jingle earlier just to say "Hey, let's start blogging again," so that's what I'll do.

I go to MIAD now. It's amazing, like the perfect place probably. I mean, I'm very very very glad I didn't end up going to UWM or some balogna like that. This school's a lotta work though, and I sleep less now than I did in high school. Sometimes (like right now) I stay up late to finish some work, but usually I'm just up to bake pumpkin pie or hang out with Brad

Which brings me to... I love the people here. I love people in general, ya know? But for the most part, everyone here is pretty enjoyable

So apparently I have a job at the Eisner Museum now. That's the museum of advertising that's actually in the same building as the dorms. I start Saturday I believe

But.. Yeah.. I dunno. I kinda forgot how to "blog."

I still think "blog" is a funny word.

I told myself I'd go to bed by 4, because tomorrow at noon I have to do the Big Brothers Big Sisters jive. Actually I shouldn't say I "have" to, that makes it sound like I don't wanna, and that's far from the truth.

Anyway, Night\


P.S. Clara gave me a tarot card reading earlier. I giggled when I saw the Queen of Rods card

"i'm being shit on, that's all. shit on!"

...is what i was going to say about today, but i realize things are mostly pretty nice. i should probably not complain ever about anything ever, but i do. i'm human.

things to NOT DO

cut my hair
let kyra spend $$$
stay up til 1 am during the week
kiss randoms
smoke
get fired by the new boss
oversleep
waste my life on myspace
buy rusk mousse (smells horrible)
eat too many pbc's
buy stuff i don't need
drop my ipod
talk to ---- or ----, maybe ever again
skip breakfast
FART

you just ain't receiving

i realize ever trying to have a relationship ever is hopeless, because i'll never love anyone more than i love zach braff in everything he's ever been in. dayuuuuuum

but really, i think before i get old, i'll have to figure out my prob with relating


yes i'm still listening to that same song all the time

a picture of you, holdin' a picture of me, in the pocket of my blue jeans

of course i'm listening to "jolene" again. i really just can't not do it. i'm loving ray lamontagne lately, and hating the fact that i'm ipod-less.

i woke up an hour early today but thought it was an hour later... being why i'm online at such a dumb time.



more later?



today was alright. i don't remember what i meant to add when i said "more later?" that was at least twelve hours ago.

surely i've said this before, but i hate the word "i" / try to avoid using it whenever possible but it's impossible. and i hate doing self portraits- i'm currently working on one for drawing and one for computer art. bum. er. it's not that i don't like myself, i'm pretty happy with me most of the time, it's just hubris is so close to huibregtse that i'd like the only similarity to be the sound, not the definition. ya dig?

don't care what people say, she's a huge jerk.


el fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin because i forgot what to say

lovin here today

So I was really excited two days ago to put tunes like "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" and "Baby Love" and oh yeah, the whole entire wonderful Stick It soundtrack on my ipod BUT wait, my computer tells me it's corrupted, and Brian says it could be from dropping it months ago, but he also says he's afraid of rejection, and he's also a weirdo.

I hope there's a heaven just so I can maybe meet Marvin Gaye and probably kiss him on the cheek.

so i'm hating school

Austin is the loveliest boy I've ever met, just so the world knows. We're going on a date this summer when I visit him. Too bad I prob won't see the toiletface 'til then.

So it's true I'm hating school. A lot. Tomorrow morning I'll be faking Spanish words for a tiny little assignment thing, then drawing mannequins and jenga blocks and.... sitting. I'm so tired of it. At least when second semester starts it'll be a change of pace?

------------------------------------

our first heath bars:

(we hated 'em)

quit talkin about my heart like it's something you could break

I want next year, right now

eegad

so i never think of my life as pitiful until i'm sitting at home on a friday night after a three hour after-school-nap wondering what the crap i'm gonna do because one of my best friends is in california (for a whole nother week too!) and everyone else is not my friend (or working, or not in janesville, but hey)

and i've never hated christmas shopping til this year. and i don't even have a lot to do. just two people left and half of my mom's gift but i keep putting it off! if i was smart that's how i'd spend tonight but noooo thaaanks.

perhaps this is a good time to tell everyone who doesn't know that i drink like a fish.
i drink like a fish.
okay.

rain is the most ridiculous thing when it's december 22.
this pop up ad is seriously asking me "what part of rudolph lights up?"

good god i'm gonna die if i don't find something to do quick

oh wait, i think brian's coming to my rescue?

baby powder fresh - that's disguting

this morning i got to work at 9:46 (only a minute late for once) just to put away douches and other vaginal accessories for about an hour then eventually go home sick before noon even rolled around. then i slept all day.

sickest weekend of my life.