I've changed a lot. I've changed since last year. I've changed since this summer. I'm probably even a different person than who I was last week. And I didn't notice any of this until now. Last year I worried about what people thought of me. I always wanted to look perfect. My day would be completely thrown if my hair wasn't just the way I wanted it. I would worry what the more popular girls would think of my clothes. I would wonder if the popular boys thought I was pretty. I acted a certain way, hoping to be accepted, hoping no one would think I was "weird". All of that was me a year ago. Then I started caring less and less about other people's opinions of me. But I still did care a lot. At the beginning of this summer I still worried about my looks a lot. I guess that changed when I went on this trip towards the end of summer. Among other people, I lived with this boy for two weeks.. he saw every side of me. I was myself. I didn't worry about clothes or makeup or my hair.. and he still liked me. I guess that's when I realized those things don't really matter. I was never nervous around him, like I am with lots of people, because I knew that I didn't have to pretend to be anything but myself. I could say whatever stupid thing popped into my head and I never worried what he thought of it. Even though that whole relationship, even friendship-wise, only lasted a few weeks, the mentality that I got out of it stayed. Now it doesn't matter to me what other people think of the way I dress or act. I'm no longer trying to look like everyone else.. I'm not trying to look different either.. I'm just, I don't know, not caring. Not saying that I don't care at all, I do, just not as much. It seems that I also have a lot more confidence than I did last year. I'm not sure where that comes from, but it's good. And I'm seeing people lately for who they are, but not judging them for it. That's good too I think.
But I've changed in bad ways too I suppose. Like not caring about school. It's honestly one of my last priorities these days. If I have a giant essay that's due the next day but I'm tired, I'd much rather go to sleep. And I do. I think I cared a lot more about my grades when I thought I was definitely going to college after high school. College is just more school though.. so why bust my ass now in school, to get into another school, where more ass-busting will take place? No, thanks, I'll find something else. I suppose I should try though.. I'm just being lazy.
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Warning. Patronising Alert. If you're not in college then you're most likely going to be working. From personal experience, I strongly suggest you put off that eventuality as long as possible. With your new confidence I would imagine that school would become increasingly enjoyable.
However, having preached so, I would have to add that apathy is most assuredly one way to approach life. Indeed, it is my mantra. Keep your chin up Carly.
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