bastardization of the studded belt

My biggest pet peeve I think is the sound of chewing. I'm trying to write this short little paper on Andrew Jackson for history but all I can hear is the sound of my dad chewing what is chicken but is loud enough to be tree bark. So distracting. If it weren't for music, I would say that I honestly would not mind being deaf. Noises make my mind wander more than anything.

And right now it is wandering to......

I don't understand hypocrits. Or lying people. I just can't wrap my mind around why they would say things that aren't true. I worry sometimes that I'm being hypocritical and not even noticing. Like I worry that when reading this, someone will feel the urge to spit on me because they think that of all people I shouldn't say that I don't like hypocrits. Or liars. I lie, but it's different. I will lie if I don't have an assignment done. I will say "I forgot it at home," but that has no potential of hurting anyone but myself. I lie about other tiny things that could in no way hurt someone. But some kids I know will lie about the most nonsensical things. They will make up stories out of nowhere. THAT's what I don't understand. I could handle a lie like "no, i did not just fart" but not something like "well my dad left me when i was a baby and he moved to Mexico and joined the circus"(bad example).. crazy lies out of nowhere that serve no purpose. The whole lying thing ties into being hypocritical. It's more lying to yourself than anyone else though. Another thing that gets to me is people telling people what they want to hear. And people acting and dressing a certain way to make people think a certain thing of them. I really hope I'm not doing that. I could be, I really could and not even know it, and that worries me.

I think that saying and doing what you think and feel would just be a hell of a lot easier than making something up.

But, then again: "It just seems like, you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you?"

What is 'yourself' really? It's just who you have decided to be. So when someone tells you to be yourself, it really means nothing. The way you are acting at that time IS yourself, at that time.

I mean, if we were really 'ourselves'.. we sould all be running around naked giving into our animal instincts. But since we were born people have been telling us how to act, and we have been doing it. It just depends on what they told you that makes you who you are.


"If I could just speak up, I think I would say that there is no truth. There is only you, and what you make the truth" Good words. Some people live their life believe in a higher being. Some people believe in nothing. Only one of those groups can be right, but they have made what they believe in become the truth for them. It's true to them, even if it's not proven. Well I could live my life believing wholeheartedly that I can have conversations with trees. And people would most likely call me crazy. But who's to say that it isn't true? If I wanted to, I could think it so much and repeat it so loud that this obvious lie would become the truth for me. Maybe that is how compulsive liars think.

I really wish I knew what I was getting at.
I really wish I could turn my thoughts into words, so that this made sense to anyone but me.
and I really wish I could practice what I preach.



But somehow chewing turned to truth-seeking, and this Jackson essay still needs to be done.