i am the watch you always wear

I've been sitting here with this page open for almost half an hour, just thinking of things I could type. It hit me that I never mentioned going to the doctor last Thursday. My appointment wasn't until the end of February, but my throat was hurting me so badly that I went to see if he would say anything different.

I hate the doctor's office, and I really didn't want to go but am glad I did, because he finally said that yes, I need my tonsils out. My surgery's scheduled for the afternoon of the 18th. Part of me is excited that I may finally feel healthy again. Part of me is nervous to the point where I can't even think about it. I know that a tonsillectomy is no huge procedure, but anyone who knows me knows that I don't deal well with this kind of thing.

Going to the doctor's office, and even health and science classes are all things that have made me faint or at least get extremely lightheaded more than once in my life. Hell, I can't even handle going to the dentist. Getting my teeth cleaned gets me woozy. I'm a wuss, and I don't know why. It's not like I'm one of those people who gets queasy at the sight of blood, or anything like that. My dad's a doctor, so I've seen him watching videos of surgeries since I was too little too remember. They're not pretty things, but they never got to me. Now I am a full-blown wuss.

Subconciously, I think of all the things that could go wrong.

So last Thursday when I was sitting in Dr. E's office and he was giving me a 'run-through' of the procdedure, I was surprised that I was feeling fine. And I thought I was home-free until he mentioned that 'post-operative bleeding' wasn't uncommon with older patients (tonsillectomies are usually for like.. what? 5-year olds?). He said that if my throat started bleeding a few days afterwards, I might have to come back to the hospital to get those spots cauterized. And then BAM! I started to feel sick. I was dizzy, pale, and I was doing everything to block the doctor's voice out of my head. In the end I had to lean back in a chair, while Dr E and my mom made small talk until I was back to normal.

So, I'm not necessarily looking forward to this. I can't imagine how worried I'll be right beforehand. And it's not like I want to be. It's not like I want to fear little things like this, but I really can't help it.


But, anyway, getting away from my stupid fears:
This all goes down on the 18th, sometime in the afternoon. Then I'll be sleeping pretty much nonstop for a week. I'll be eating nothing but popsicles, ice cream and juice. And I don't have to go back to school until the 28th.

I'm supposed to avoid strenuous activity for 3 weeks afterwards. That's fine, because I'm lazy.

But once I'm all better, I won't be able to use the "I'm sick" excuse for everything anymore. I'll have to pull myself together so to speak.

Now I'm not going to say I hate what I've become, but I don't like it. I'm not happy with how I've done in school this year. I don't like that I sleep my life away, except for at night when I just lie awake in bed. It makes me sad when I think of the friendships I've ruined, or just neglected. I just don't like the way I act sometimes. And when I start feeling better I'll no longer be able to blame this all on my being sick.

I'm trying to make some necessary changes, and when I'm 100% healthy I won't have a single excuse not to.