choking on a cornflake

I just spent the past half hour or so driving around.. I don't even know where. Roman had to be home way before I did, so I had time to waste but nothing to do. Bopbopbop. I drove around, singing, and it was nice.

So after a ten day road trip, Roman's finally home! Whoop-de-doo! Tonight we got the usual RBF's and visited Ally, and caught up on the past ten days. Not too much has happened to be honest.

I feel like I'm boring people by talking about the same thing all the time lately. But I can't stop thinking about the same thing. So there.

After A and Dub we made our way over to the hardcore swings. Ally met up with us when she got off of work. The three of us just sat and talked. That's what the hardcore swings are for. I'm covered in sand and it's pretty awesome.

Know how your hands feel weird after touching sand? Man, I hate that. I dont' know why I just said it was awesome.

Ally mentioned that school starts in a little over a month. I've got some stuff I want, maybe even need, to do before summer ends. Like paddleboats? Roman and I are planning on taking one of those duck shaped paddleboats for a spin one of these days. Maybe we'll even wear sailor suits just for the occasion. Who knows? But it'll be great.

I just have a lot of little stuff I want to do like that. Maybe I should make a list or something. Then I can check stuff off. I don't know, I've never made a list before. But Bray Road'll be on this list. You can bet your sweet bippy on that.

I want to go ice skating. But that's not really a summer thing. I just want to do it. Now, or later, but sometime.

So, I was thinking, does anyone listen to Belle & Sebastian? I do. And I don't know if anyone else does. Just wondering.

I like ribs. I like ribs a lot.

starfish

I just realized my pants weren't zipped.
And yesterday, I wore one of my shirts backwards all day.. even after I noticed it was backwards.
I should hire someone to dress me. At least I don't forget pants.

So I'm updating just for Adam. He told me to, and I said "Yes, sir."

Just so you know, the dollar store is where it's at. If anyone's ever told you differently, they were dead wrong. Dead. Wrong. Elaina and I bought two DVDs for two dollars today! And these were high-quality flicks. Cheap versions of the Little Mermaid and Aladdin, plus some ridiculousness. We watched the films at Adam's house, and, man, they were fantastic. Worth every penny.

I got earrings the size of Manhattan (which is big for earrings).

So I've been going wherever lately, without having to call home, and without getting the "be home at _____!" It's pretty nice.

I drove all over yesterday. Kayleigh lives in the solar system. On Saturn, actually. I drove all the way to Saturn. That's like three planets away!

Wanna know something? I just had to look up how many planets away it was.

I want to start waking up early. I don't really have a reason to, but infomercials could be my reason. They're pretty great. Pretty ridiculous too.

I like cereal.

killing people's not my scene

First, let me say that Stella is an excellent show.

And then, let me give "props" to Nick, for making me buy that disc (for me) for him. So far, it's good.

And then.. well I had this whole big thing about people and things that I was going to say, but basically, I can't recall.

I'd just like people to be nice to each other.

And I hate when friends are mad at each other. I mean, it's totally understandable in this situation but like, why can't we all just be? And be happy?

That was dumb, but seriously.......

Remember how I said I was trying to better myself? Well it's hard. Like, I know what I should do. I've got a whole new way of thinking, but I really don't think it shows in my actions.

And I'm realizing how badly I've messed up before. Not things I did, but things I didn't do. Not big things. Well maybe big. I don't know.. Just thrown away opportunities I guess. I don't like having regrets, and I've got one big one.


5
4
3
2
1

dingdingdingCRASH

My back hurts like whoa. Like ultimate whoa.

I love rain. Like, I mean, a lot.

I've been trying to sleep like a normal person, because I don't. I mean, all summer, it's been me going to bed at 4AM and getting up after/around noon. So I'm trying to get a normal sleep sched.. or at least a little more normal than the one I have. I was going to make sure I got up before 10 this morning, but that didn't happen.

I slept in my clothes last night. Now my back hurts. I don't know how jeans can make my back hurt but maybe that's it.

I used to think that every time there was a big storm, that something big would happen to me. But then lately it's been storming a lot and something big doesn't always happen. Maybe it's only some storms. Or maybe none. But maybe some, and it's definitely this one.

I feel better now.

Man, I love rain.

So much.

yo!

i want to feel electric

my leg is twitching

(true story)

and that's all i have to say, really.

and, p.s.

lonely? moi?

maybe a little.. but i can deal.

bliggity blam

I'm trying to fix myself, or better myself, or, you know, whatever.

Not thinking too much is part of that.
And knowing what I want.
And, I forget what else, but there's more.

So I read this book. This psychoanalysis book I suppose you'd call it. It's about this system of finding out about yourself through the colors you like... which is pretty crazy, but I guess it works because the whole thing seemed to hit me dead-on.

And, apparently, I'm a dreamer, an anchor, and a visionary?

I guess I've got "powers" too. Whaddya know?

Okay, so it probably sounds lame, but this book is intense stuff. I mean, it's mostly accurate. And I like it because I've been wondering lately why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do.

<><><><><>

But anywayayayay...

Things have been going pretty well. Wonderful actually. Like, I'm feeling better now than I have all summer.

But.. there's something I want, that I know I probably can't have, but I like to tell myself it'll happen.. even though, realistically, there are tons of reasons why it won't. Or maybe it will? We'llseewe'llseewe'llsee.

P.S. That book also said my thoughts aren't realistic.

i'm trying not to think too much...

..because that's how i (want to) roll

these cucumber eyes

Ally and I had a "universe talk" last night. In other words, we talked about pretty much everything, but- interestingly enough- not the universe. Oh well.

She asked if I believe in fate or coincidence, and I thought both. But I guess she meant coincidence, as in: things aren't happening for a reason, they just happen because they do. Or something.

I guess I like to tie everything together. I like to think everything happens for a reason. I like to make sense of things that maybe make no sense at all. It makes me feel more secure, I guess, to think that everything has a purpose.

And I always feel much better about my life when I look at it from someone else's view.



So, uhhh.. news?
Zach and I are no longer Zach and I.
I can't say I didn't see it coming, or at least see something coming.
And I guess I'm alright with just being friends. I mean, hopefully this time we actually will be friends.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sad, but I haven't been too happy lately anyway, so it's no big change.

Sorry for being awkward.

mini disc? mega awesome!

Have I ever mentioned that waffles make me tired?
Is that normal?

Wanna know what's crazy? Zach, or Ian, or Ally, or someone, mentioned the other day that at any given time, at least two of us are together. And it's true. We're together a lot of the time. And that, my friends, is crazy. Cause it means I haven't been seeing too much of anyone else lately.

Like, today, I hung with Amanda and Clara for basically the second time all summer. Allie with an I-E from Madison was also there. We all just hung out I suppose, because that's what you do when it's raining and it's summer anyway.

I need to scrape together $50, but all I have is ones, and I kind of doubt I have fifty of them. We'll see though. I need a job like whoa.

spinoccoli

You know, it felt good to come clean about this thing, even though three years have passed since I told the lie.

And it felt.. alright... to finally tell someone what happened months ago.

Ally and I had a nice talk in Ian's backyard tonight, ending in a pinky swear to always tell each other everything.

B.F.F. foo'!

riding in your stride

Buying two right shoes in two different sizes does not make me stupid.. right? I mean, at least I realized before I left the parking lot.. right?

Blahaha.

So tonight = late night swim sesh at Ally's, I believe. Until then I don't know what's up. I'm eating a grilled cheese and drinking some root brew right now though.

Speaking of root beer, did you know Zach and Ally don't like it?
Someone, tell me, honestly.. what are their deals?

i was a statuette

I wonder if people think I've changed since they've met me.
And I wonder if they think I've changed for the better or worse.
I don't think I'd recognize myself a year ago, but I don't know if just my looks changed.. or if the way I act changed too.

about last night....

keep rippin' brohan

Yesterday? Pretty eventful, I'd say.

Started off with a funeral. For a mole. Sad times for Ian and Zach (Melvin the mole's "uncles"). Ally and I showed our sympathy with a card and some flowers. The card, we customized with a bit of heartfelt poetry, that read:

"You found him on a sidewalk crack
His face made your heart go pitter-pat
You brought him home
And made him your own
....but then he died."

The "uncles" decided to hold the funeral after that, in Ian's backyard, complete with poetry (read by myself and Ian), a hole (dug by Zach), and a mandolin (played by Ally). It was touching, I must say.


And later? Ally, Roman, and I made our way to Mee-lee-wah-kay, to Summerfest, to see Death Cab. Bottom line: pretty incredible. It's crazy thinking, you know, Ben Gibbard's right there singing the same words I am.. Basically we're the same person right now, except that we're not. Anyway, for a while I was worried that we wouldn't find and meet up with Zach, Ian, and Kayleigh, because they ended up leaving late and yadda yadda yadda, but we did. And from then on, pretty much fantastic. I'm glad that I was there with Zach. I'm a lucky girl.

i cannot help from smilin'

DCFC tomorrow.

I'm so excited, I might explode.

But really, I might explode

And if I do I'd say it's worth it, wouldn't you?

"maybe i've always been caught not paying attention when i should have, and blinking too much in between"

I'm up. Why? I don't know. I was tired a few hours ago but somehow I forgot I was going to bed. The next thing I know it's now. I finished this book I just started yesterday. Sterile Cuckoo? Anyone? I've been reading lately instead of thinking/worrying/whatever. It's good. I think.

Let's review real quick a few insanely awesome (and by that I mean the opposite) things that have happened in the past couple days.

• $40 vanished (I'm not going to say stolen, because, you know, it really could have just vanished and I think that's more fun than stolen anyday) from my purse last night.
• I fainted for the first time in months. Dentist office. Maybe back in January it wouldn't have been any big deal, but the thing is, I've gone for five months without fainting, without getting lightheaded, and it was a pretty sweet five months let me tell you. I thought I was back to normal but I guess not. And that sucks. It really does. Because now I'm going to start worrying about every kind of anything appt (doctor, dentist, ortho) and maybe I'll start taking caffeine pills before I go again and then I'll get addicted to caffeine and diediedie. But not really. Not at all. Basically, the fainting thing is just no fun.

So yeah. I guess there were really only two things. And, honestly? They both make me laugh a little. If those are the worst two things in my life then I'd say I have a pretty nice life.

what's cooler than a juicebox?

pretty much nothing.

say anything, but say what you mean

It was cold enough tonight that I got to wear my supersweet new jacket. Jigga what?

And I hooked this awesome scarf from Ian, so it's too bad it's summer.


I don't know what's going on. There's no bread in my house and I haven't felt like writing for the past few weeks. Not that those two things have anything to do with each other, but whatev..


Wanna know something? I hatehatehate when people lie. I hatehatehate ulterior motives. I hate myself when I'm not myself, so I don't see how you can do it.


But I like candy.



And.. wanna know another something? I miss Zach.

:(

So I've been thinking for a few hours that a PB+J would be mighty nice.

I finally got around to making one, and... guess what was green?

The bread!
Whaa.
Now I'm hungry AND sad.



Last week I had a dream that I was in prison.

dis sho am good

For the past week I was in Missouri and, you know what? It wasn't really that bad. Pretty alright I'd say.

Two years ago when I went to Missouri I got a monster sunburn and that was negative fun. I only got tan this time.

And last year when I went to Missouri I did something that wasn't too cool.. and I didn't do that again.. and that's good.

What did I do? Hmmm.. well it was a family reunion, so I guess I reuned. I (kind of) learned how to play euchre and (didn't really) learn how to water-ski (but I tried).

And when we got home report cards were here, and that pretty much sucks because my grades, well, pretty much suck.. again. No one's yelled at me about them yet so maybe I'm okay. I can't be too sure though.

So yeah I'm glad I'm home. Did I mention Missouri was above 90 degrees EVERY DAY and I wore shorts? Yeah. Weird. I know.